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Seinfeld, Jerry

  • I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything I am not doing.

  • It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

  • Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

  • The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

  • There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

  • Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

  • You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."