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Rudner, Rita

  • I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

  • I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  • I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

  • I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

  • In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

  • Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

  • Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

  • Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  • My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

  • My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

  • My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

  • Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

  • Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

  • Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

  • The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

  • To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

  • We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

  • When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.