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Marx, Groucho

  • The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

  • Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

  • Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

  • I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

  • Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

  • Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

  • I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.